A Choice

This post is about a choice I made long ago that has changed my life. As you read it remember that it was my choice, and that it may not be the right choice for everyone.

21 years ago I gave birth to my first child.  I was so worried I would not be a good mother. I was worried I wouldn't know what to do...or when to do it.  From the minute she was born I was.in.love....seriously smitten. I couldn't get enough of holding her and dreaming about her future.  Shortly after she was born I was back at work...a financial necessity. I was able to go back part time for a little while, but had to go full time fairly quickly. We were very fortunate to have good daycare.  The yearning to be the one to hold her and love her all day never left me.  Three years later I gave birth to my second child.  Again, love at first sight. I was able to stay home with both kids for four months this time before I went back to work again.  It was heart breaking to leave them every day and realize that the daycare provider saw them more than I. I felt like their little lives were speeding by.

I liked my job and the people I worked with.  I felt successful and was promoted often. The head of the division where I worked invited me in his office and asked where I wanted to go professionally. He gave me the opportunity to choose the direction I wanted to go anywhere in the company. It was a heady feeling knowing I could go anywhere I chose. 

I often felt torn in two directions. I wanted to be the best employee and I wanted to be the best mother I could be. I felt like I wasn't the best at either.  I felt like I was at war inside.  I was able to cut back my full time work to part time when Sami started kindergarten.  I was overjoyed!  At the same time, I was being passed over for promotions because I worked part time.  I agonized over whether to apply for promotions knowing that I probably wouldn't get them.  Finally a very good friend sat me down and told me that I needed to CHOOSE. I could either focus on my career and  move up the ranks of state government, or I could focus on being a mother.  I, personally, was suffering from not having that focus.  It all came clear to  me after this discussion.  I didn't care about my job more than my kids...My kids were my focus.  After that life was easier.  I made the CHOICE and all decisions were put up against that choice.  Shortly after that I was able to reduce my hours even more...and then was able to quit all together.

Financially this choice didn't make sense - and we've struggled.  Emotionally, for me, it was the best choice.  I will be forever grateful for my friend for helping me see why I struggled emotionally, and for giving me the courage to choose. My choice has made all the difference.